Should we write a book for Couples?

This morning we woke up to the responses from our latest social media invitation to our Overflow for Couples retreat. (retreat info here)

Some people asked for prayer.

Some asked for more information.

A few enthusiastically registered.

A few shared stories of hope, heartbreak, and longing.

And a few others told us to %$@#!, called us %$@#!, and assured us that the Trinity is a false doctrine and God is nothing more than a fairy in the sky.

So…

We prayed.

We laughed.

And then we prayed again.

Because those comments were a snapshot of:

Longing.

Wounds.

Hope.

Fear.

Faith.

Skepticism.

The whole wild, wonderful, wounded, complicated human story.

And it reminded us of something we’ve been wondering for a long time.

We’ve never had more information about relationships.

But have we ever been more formed for them?

Can we ask you a question?

Do you think we should write a book for couples?

You’re part of the reason we’re asking.

Nearly everywhere we teach—whether we’re leading retreats on spiritual formation, facilitating Enneagram trainings, exploring the Harmony Triads workshops, gathering people for contemplative conversation, or meeting one-on-one in spiritual direction—someone eventually asks,

“When are you going to write a book for couples?”

Often, after everyone else has gone home, someone lingers and quietly says,

“Everything you’ve shared about spiritual formation is changing the way I understand myself. I wish there were a resource to help us practice this together as a couple.”

We’ve prayed for those conversations.

We’ve carried them with us.

We’ve tucked them away.

Until recently.

One day we looked at each other and asked,

“Is this an invitation?”

Then we looked around.

Scroll through social media for five minutes and you’ll discover that everyone is suddenly a psychologist, relationship coach, trauma expert, theologian, and Enneagram master…all before breakfast.

Have you diagnosed yourself—or your partner—with the latest viral psychological term?

Have you wondered if your relationship could finally be explained by attachment styles, trauma responses, your Enneagram number, your love language, your nervous system, or your birth order?

Have you been told to “protect your peace,” “heal your inner child,” “set better boundaries,” “live your truth,” and “communicate better”—all in the same week?

After all that advice…

Are we flourishing?

If you’re anything like us, you’re probably not suffering from a lack of information.

You’re longing for wisdom.

And that’s when another question surfaced.

Perhaps we’ve misunderstood what it means to flourish.

And maybe we’ve misunderstood what it means to overflow.

Our culture tells us that flourishing means having more and better.

More happiness.

More success.

More experiences.

More vacations.

Bigger/better house.

Bigger/better job.

More influence.

More followers.

A stronger brand.

The invitation is almost always to expand your life.

But Scripture paints a different picture.

“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” —Psalm 16:6

“Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well… Let your fountain be blessed.” —Proverbs 5:15–18

For years, we’ve been captivated by these images.

Boundary lines.

A well.

A fountain.

Overflow.

Scott and I have actually been writing and teaching on Overflow in one form or another since 2003. (The cassette tape pictured above is proof. We were 41!)

Over the years we’ve come to believe that overflow isn’t about getting everything we’ve ever wanted.

It isn’t about consuming more.

It isn’t about chasing a bigger/better life.

It’s about receiving the life God has entrusted to us.

It’s about drinking deeply from the Living Water Christ offers and discovering that, over time, our own well begins to overflow—not because we’ve accumulated more, but because we’ve learned to receive more deeply.

We’ve also discovered that this means welcoming the inherent abundance God has already placed within ourselves…and within our partner.

Perhaps that’s what flourishing really is.

Not living without limits.

But living so deeply rooted in God’s love, within the beautiful boundary lines of our own lives, that love naturally overflows into every relationship we’ve been entrusted with.

That’s the kind of relationship we’re interested in.

One where two people aren’t simply trying harder.

They’re becoming more deeply formed.

Over the past four decades, we’ve had the privilege of walking alongside couples as pastors, spiritual directors, and Enneagram practitioners. We’ve journeyed with couples discerning whether to build a life together, preparing for marriage, raising children, recovering from betrayal, navigating grief, facing illness, entering retirement, and discovering fresh joy after decades of shared life.

Again and again, we’ve witnessed the same truth:

Healthy relationships don’t begin with better techniques. They begin with people who are becoming more deeply rooted in God and practicing inner harmony.

As followers of Christ, we believe relationship is woven into the very life of our Triune God.

As trauma-informed practitioners, we’ve learned that many couples aren’t fighting each other as much as they’re protecting wounded parts of themselves. Healing begins not with shame, but with compassion.

Through the Enneagram Harmony Triads, we’ve discovered that transformation involves our whole selves—our head, heart, and body. Flourishing happens as God’s Spirit brings our IQ, EQ, and GQ into greater harmony.

And as spiritual directors, we’ve witnessed perhaps the greatest mystery of all:

The deepest conversation in every relationship is not ultimately between two people.

It is between each person and God.

We’ve also learned something else.

We cannot make another person flourish. We can cultivate the kind of life from which flourishing becomes possible.

Maybe that’s why we’re finally saying yes to this invitation.

Not because the world needs another book for couples.

But because we believe our world desperately needs couples who flourish in God.

Our hope is not simply to help couples stay together.

Our hope is to help people choose someone who genuinely desires their flourishing—or, if they’re already in relationship, begin the practices that cultivate individual flourishing so they can flourish together.

Because when two people are deeply rooted in God’s love, their shared life naturally becomes an overflow of that love—for their family, their neighbors, their communities, and the world.

We’re still writing.

We’re still discerning.

So we’d love to ask you one more question.

If you were to read a book for couples like this—one where every chapter begins a conversation—what conversation would you hope it would begin?

We’d love to hear from you.

With faith, hope, and especially love,

Scott & Clare