Now I Go to Preschool

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Did you ever go to preschool?
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I didn’t.
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My preschool was home. I grew up with five siblings—all Italian Catholic humans, sharing the same resources, family system, and general chaos.
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There were plenty of little people to negotiate life with, but we all belonged to the same family system.
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So now, at 64, I’m getting my first real preschool experience.
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For the last several weeks, I’ve been going to preschool with my grandson.
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And I am fascinated.
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Put a roomful of little humans together, each arriving with their own temperament, family system, experiences, and way of being in the world, and the personalities start showing up fast.
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There’s the Helper.
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The Tall Toddler.
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The I’ll-Just-Play-By-Myself-Thank-You-Very-Much.
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The Bossy Pants.
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The One-Who-Knows-It-All-and-Wants-to-Tell-Everybody.
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And Anxiety, who reports every potential problem—and would feel much better if everyone else worried about it too.
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Honestly?
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It is pure delight.
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These little people are figuring out how to be themselves AND make room for someone else.
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They’re cooking in the pretend kitchen, making paper airplanes and friendship bracelets, building things, taking things apart, negotiating, laughing, getting frustrated, making up, and starting all over again.
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It is hilarious.
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And remarkable.
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Oh, and two weeks ago we came home with hand, foot, and mouth disease.
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Apparently, you don’t just observe preschool. You bring some of it home with you.
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And isn’t THAT a metaphor for personality?
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We pick things up early. We carry them around. We spread them to the people closest to us—often without even realizing it.
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Ha!
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Because I’m getting an up-close view of something:
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I’m watching little people become the people they will be.
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They’re learning what to carry—and, eventually, what they will spread.
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Children shaped by different family systems, socioeconomic realities, races, ethnicities, temperaments, and experiences are learning how to share space with people who aren’t exactly like them.
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They are learning celebration and appreciation. Tolerance and frustration. Belonging and boundaries. Rupture and repair.
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Basically, they are learning how to become people in community. 
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And it turns out, we don’t leave much of it behind.
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The same patterns that show up in the block corner eventually show up in the boardroom, the kitchen, the classroom, the marriage, the church, and the therapy room.
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I see the preschooler in every adult I work with, too.
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The Helper is still helping—sometimes before anyone has even asked.
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The Bossy Pants has simply learned more sophisticated vocabulary and calls it leadership.
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The One-Who-Knows-It-All now has credentials, a title, and a very convincing presentation.
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The I’ll-Play-By-Myself person has learned to call it “boundaries.”
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Anxiety is still scanning the room for what might go wrong, reporting the potential problems, and wondering why everyone else isn’t more concerned.
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And the Tall Toddler may be fully grown but still wants to be the biggest person in the room.
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Of course, we’re more defended, refined, and civilized now.
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We know how to explain ourselves, manage impressions, send thoughtful emails, and wait until the meeting is almost over before saying what we really think.
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But underneath it all?
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STILL THERE.
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The same little people who once grabbed the best toy, hid behind a grown-up, insisted on doing it themselves, worried about what might happen next, told everybody else what to do, or burst into tears when the rules changed are still shaping how we love, work, argue, lead, protect ourselves, and ask for what we need.
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Maybe growing up isn’t about getting rid of the preschooler.
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Maybe it’s about learning to recognize that little person in ourselves—with compassion, curiosity, and a sense of humor.
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And maybe it’s learning to recognize that there’s a little person inside everyone else, too.
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Someone who wants to belong.
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Someone who wants to matter.
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Someone who wants to feel safe.
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Someone who wants to be seen.
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Someone who is still figuring out how to be themselves and make room for somebody else.
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Come to think of it, that may be what maturity is:
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LEARNING TO BE FULLY OURSELVES WHILE MAKING ROOM FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO BE FULLY THEMSELVES.
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Which is pretty much what they’re learning in preschool.
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Turns out, I didn’t miss preschool after all.
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NOW I GO TO PRESCHOOL.
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And now, back to my adult life, relationships, and work.
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If you’d like to keep exploring these patterns with me, there are three ways to join me: my marriage workshop this weekend, the Summit, or this week’s one-hour Collaborative Global session for helping professionals.
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You’ll find the links to each one here.